dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
