hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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