im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
