you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
