i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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