I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
