??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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