Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
