I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize