Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
