on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
