oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
