Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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