Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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