At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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