i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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