There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
