every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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