The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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