Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
