I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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