I'm passing your future prison.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
