My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my liver is dry heaving
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