Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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