Your mouth is God's brothel.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
