You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
