i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
