what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
