The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
