do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
