she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
