I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
