Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
