When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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