You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
