my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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