I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
