sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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