what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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