Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
