Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
