I just made out with a guy for $7.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
