Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize