I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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