Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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