apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
