People with herpes should wear stickers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
