I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
