My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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