every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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