Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
