I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
