How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
why do cheetos always look like penises
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
