i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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