I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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