i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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