he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
