I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
