They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
