Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
