She went from zero to smokin in five shots
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My pussy is not your playground.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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