i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
