that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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